Friday, August 19, 2011

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas!

Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used
to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now
smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this
heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and
I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise a_s cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my a_s was on fire. My skin melted to the
seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a_s . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a_s, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and
the weather man says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain
in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of
cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!

Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???

"Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What
kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later
to let you know how the trial goes.


  1. ha! We have one of these for Pennsylvania. I LOVE them!!

  2. Not all that far from the truth. Laughing does help.

  3. Enjoyed the read.

    Have a grand week-end.

  4. Almodt ditto here. But I am not forwarding this for reading to all my Texas Friends and family.

    Not with water rationing and lakes so low it is becoming a huge problem.

    Most coastal states don't pray for hurricanes but I think it may be #1on some prayer lists.

    Besides If I forward to a Texan I may be in the same cell with the diariest awaiting trial!

    A sense of humor must disappear with Heat?!